The Beauty of Taking Charge: Part 2
The Beauty of Taking Charge: Part 2
School is underway, summer is wrapping up, and the busyness of fall is in full swing. As parents, one of our biggest challenges is discerning when to step in and teach, when to guide, and when to simply say, “Let’s go—it’s time for school!” Here are some tried-and-true strategies for taking charge as we all adjust to new teachers, schedules, and expectations.
First, remember this: our relationship with our children is the foundation for any change. The more connected kids feel to us, the more likely they are to cooperate. Behavior management strategies without a foundation of connection often fall flat.
1. Structure the environment.
This is the most important strategy of all. We want to set our kids up for success—not confusion or chaos. That might mean childproofing a toddler’s play area to reduce constant redirection, creating a distraction-free homework space, or preparing activities to ease long waits at places like the doctor’s office. Even small adjustments—packing snacks for errands or avoiding overstimulating environments during nap time—can prevent meltdowns. Sometimes it’s wise to simply say no to an activity that you know will overwhelm your child.
2. Communicate expectations clearly.
Kids often act out when they’re unsure of the rules. Clear, positive instructions go a long way:
“We’re going to the store, and we’ll only buy what’s on our list.”
“Grandma has lots of breakable things, so we’ll bring our own toys to play with.”
“Our friend has a big dog; we can pet gently but no pulling fur.”
Whenever possible, phrase directions in terms of what to do instead of what not to do.
3. Be brief.
Especially with young children, less is more. Long explanations and repeating ourselves often backfire. Instead, give short, clear directions, then check for understanding: “Can you tell me what I just asked you to do?” Save the “why” for later if needed—otherwise kids may drag us into endless back-and-forth.
4. Give choices.
Children don’t have much control over their daily lives, so offering choices builds agency and decision-making skills. For little ones, keep it simple: “Cereal or yogurt for breakfast?” For older kids, empower them with responsibility: “Your room needs to be cleaned today—do you want to do it now or after dinner?” If a child refuses all options, you can calmly say, “If you don’t choose, I’ll choose for you.” Just be sure not to offer a choice where one doesn’t exist (e.g., “Do you want to take a bath?” when the answer has to be yes).
5. What About Consequences?
Consequences can be powerful learning tools for kids when used in a respectful way, with the goal of teaching—not punishing. There are two main types: natural and logical.
Natural consequences follow the laws of nature and society.
I left my bike in the driveway and it got run over.
I forgot my raincoat and now I’m soaked.
I was unkind at recess and my friend doesn’t want to play with me.
I didn’t study for my spelling test and got a poor grade.
In these situations, parents don’t need to step in—kids learn directly from their choices. However, if a child’s safety or well-being is at risk, we cannot allow the natural consequence to play out. When appropriate, though, these experiences are some of the most powerful teachers.
Logical consequences are those we as parents impose. To be effective, they should follow the three R’s:
Respectful: Always treat your child with dignity, even when they are being disrespectful. Staying calm helps them de-escalate and return to regulation. Imposing one harsh consequence after another when a child is dysregulated only adds to rupture and confusion.
Related: Consequences should connect logically to the behavior. If a teen misses curfew, a logical consequence might be an earlier curfew next time. If a child damages property, they may need to repair or replace it. Arbitrary punishments (like canceling a birthday party last-minute for a week of “bad behavior”) confuse kids and don’t teach them what went wrong.
Reasonable: The consequence should match the severity of the behavior. Forgetting an assignment, hitting a sibling, and sneaking out of the house are not equal in seriousness, and our responses should reflect that. When we punish harshly or inconsistently, kids may stop taking rules seriously.
For neurodivergent children: As a parent of a child with autism, I found these same principles still applied—but often needed modification. It’s important to hold expectations, because removing them entirely can send the message that a child is not capable. With support and small steps, kids can learn, grow, and build confidence. Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it isn’t worth attempting—with encouragement, scaffolding, and patience. The key is to read your child’s cues, help them believe in their own ability, and celebrate the effort as much as the outcome.
Final Thought
When we provide structure, communicate clearly, keep things brief, offer choices, and use consequences wisely, we’re not just reducing chaos in the moment—we’re also teaching our kids life skills like responsibility, self-regulation, and problem-solving. And above all, we’re strengthening the parent-child bond, which is the foundation of lasting change.
by Ginger Espino, MSW