The Beauty of Taking Charge

Finding Balance: Taking Charge—When Necessary

After more than 25 years of working with parents, one of the most common struggles I’ve encountered is the challenge of finding balance. Many parents express fear—fear of being too strict and controlling, and fear of being too passive or permissive. The elusive “middle ground” can often feel just out of reach.

So where does this struggle come from?

Much of it stems from what we experienced in our own childhoods. If we had caregivers who were out of balance—either overly harsh or inconsistently permissive—it likely wasn’t modeled for us what consistent, loving, and firm parenting looks like. That’s why I’ve come to love and appreciate Circle of Security Parenting (COSP). It gives us a clear framework, helping to remove some of the guesswork from the parenting equation.

One of the core tenets of Circle of Security is learning to be:

Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind. Follow the child’s need. When necessary, take charge.

Let’s talk about that last part: “When necessary, take charge.”
What does it mean, and how do we do it without slipping into control or chaos?

The Role of a Parent: Being the Guiding Force

Our children need us to be their guiding force. Especially when they’re young, they rely on us to meet their physical and emotional needs, model values and behaviors, and gradually help them grow into capable, independent adults.

I often ask parents, “What do you hope your child will be like as an adult?”
Most say things like:

• Independent

• Happy

• In healthy relationships

• Emotionally intelligent

• Successful—however they define it

Those long-term hopes can help shape our short-term goals—which is where “taking charge” comes in. We are not just reacting to behaviors in the moment; we are preparing our children for life.

Teaching Through Connection and Structure

Being a responsive parent means creating an environment where children can:

• Feel their feelings

• Make mistakes without fear

• Be curious

• Be celebrated for who they are

But parenting isn’t just about supporting feelings—it’s also about teaching. We are our child’s first and most consistent teachers. Before they ever step into a classroom, they learn from us—what love feels like, how to manage disappointment, how to respect boundaries, and how to live in community with others.

And yes, teaching includes discipline. The word "discipline" comes from the Latin disciple, meaning to follow. It's about guidance, not punishment.

As author L.R. Knost puts it:

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem-solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution.”

When we invite our child to be part of the solution, we send a powerful message:
“You are capable of handling this—and I’m here to support you.”

This dual message builds both confidence and connection. It tells our child:
You are not alone, and you have what it takes.

Balanced Parenting Isn’t Perfect Parenting

Parenting requires structure, rules, correction, and feedback. Our children will make mistakes—just like we do when learning something new. Practice is key. Grace is essential.

Circle of Security offers a powerful insight:

When we become “Mean,” we are bigger and stronger without kindness.
When we become “Weak,” we are kind without being bigger and stronger.

All of us lean one way or the other—especially when stressed. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s awareness. It's about recognizing when our internal “seesaw” is tipping out of balance and gently shifting back to center.

Start with You

For me personally, the biggest indicator that I was losing balance was my stress level. When I felt dysregulated or overwhelmed, I could swing in either direction—too harsh (yelling, rigid, stomping) or too disengaged (checked out, frozen, avoidant). And afterward, it never felt good.

That’s why the first step in taking charge—when necessary—is making sure WE are calm.

We can’t lead well from a place of chaos. By taking care of our own nervous systems, practicing self-awareness, and using tools like Circle of Security, we can show up with the steadiness our children need.

Because in the end, finding balance isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present.
**Stay tuned for the second part of this series- Strategies for Taking Charge

by Ginger Espino, MSW