Is My Child Masking?

Is My Child Masking? How to Spot Neurodivergence in High-Performing Kids

Masking is a term used to describe a set of compensations neurodivergent children may use to “camouflage” their stigmatized behaviors and appear as though they are not living with a diagnosis. Kids may work hard to cover-up differences in the way they communicate, behave, or have sensory experiences to feel more accepted by those around them. Masking is a common experience in all kids, but especially in neurodivergent kids who are highly verbal, academically successful, or “rule-followers.” How can you tell if your child’s shyness or perfectionism might mean something more? And what should you do next? Let’s get into it!

What Is Masking? And Why Do Kids Do It?

            Masking is a term that you will see most used in the context of autism, anxiety, and ADHD due to their overlapping traits. These specific diagnoses often create a disconnect between the child’s inner experience and what is expected from them socially in the world around them. For example, social expectations often do not come naturally to kids with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Many children with ASD learn social norms through observation, not intuition. They may begin to mask to fit in or pass as neurotypical in an attempt to avoid rejection, bulling, or being seen as different. It is a learned survival strategy to meet their desire for acceptance after noticing their authenticity often leads to negative reactions. It can be emotionally exhausting, leading to burnout, meltdowns, or even delayed diagnosis – especially in girls, BIPOC youth, or high-achieving children.

Signs of Masking in High-Performing Kids

            So, what does masking look like specifically in high-performing kids? First, let’s breakdown what the term “high performing” means in the context of neurodivergence. This term if typically used to describe children who appear to cope well in structured environments, such as school or social settings, despite underlying challenges related to autism, ADHD, anxiety, or other neurodevelopmental differences. “High performing” is synonymous with appearing “fine” to others, meeting external benchmarks, internalizing their struggles, and masking effectively. It is important to note that this term can be very misleading as it reflects how well someone meets external societal or academic expectations, not how well they are actually feeling or functioning internally. “High performing” doesn’t mean low need, it just means well-camouflaged need.

Recognizing the signs of masking in these children is essential to understanding and supporting their true needs. Here are some common signs that a child might be masking, even while excelling academically or socially:

-       Perfectionism or People-Pleasing

o   Overachieves or avoids mistakes at all costs

o   Becomes distressed over small failures or perceived imperfections

-       Sudden Exhaustion or Meltdowns at Home

o   Appears calm or compliant at school, but unravels in emotionally safe spaces

o   After-school “crashes” may include irritability, withdrawal, or tears

-       Scripted or Imitated Social Behaviors

o   Mimics peers or adults in social interactions

o   Uses rehearsed phrases or routines instead of spontaneous communication

-       Avoidance of Help-Seeking

o   Hides confusion or discomfort to avoid appearing “different” or “needy”

o   Reluctant to ask questions or admit when something is hard

-       Over-controlled Behavior

o   Suppresses fidgeting, stimming, or other natural self-regulation strategies

o   Appears unusually still, quiet, or “easy” in structured environments

-       Anxiety That isn’t Always Obvious

o   Internalizes stress, often presenting as somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches, etc.)

o   Worries excessively about rules, friendships, or performance

-       Highly Adaptable in Public, but Rigid at Home

o   Goes along with expectations outside, but insists on strict routines or control in familiar environments

How to Talk to Your Child if You Suspect They’re Masking

            If you’ve noticed signs that your child may be masking, it is important to approach the conversation with curiosity, validation, and trust. Let your child know there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel, behave, or be. An example of this could be, “You’re always allowed to be yourself with me, even if that looks different than how you are at school or with friends.” You can also gently comment on what you’ve noticed by saying, “I’ve noticed you seem really quiet at school but have big feelings when you get home. I wonder if you are holding a lot in during the day?” Reassure your child that they do not have to talk about it in that moment, but that you are available to listen when they are ready. This is also a great time for open ended questions demonstrating a gentle curiosity. You can try asking your child, “When do you feel the most tired during the day?” or “What parts of the day are hardest for you?” It is also important to validate their experiences and let them know their struggles do not mean there is anything wrong with them. This could look like, “Lots of kids feel like they have to act a certain way to fit in. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.” And finally, reassuring your child that they are loved for who they are. Letting your child know that they don’t have to be perfect, and that you even love the parts that feel messy or hard to them. The goal is not a confession of masking, it is to make your child feel noticed, heard, and affirmed.

Next Steps

            There are lots of resources and options available to both parents and children if you suspect your child may be masking. You can:

-       Talk to pediatricians or school counselors

-       Consider an evaluation from a professional

-       Find a therapist who affirms neurodiversity (like Birch Therapy!)

-       Focus on co-regulation and stress recovery at home

-       Avoid reinforcing “high performance” as a metric of being “fine”

Caregivers, remember you don’t need answers overnight. Just listen and trust your child’s experience.

While being described as “high performing” may sound like a compliment, it often hides a more complicated reality. Many neurodivergent children who appear successful or easygoing on the outside are working incredibly hard to manage their emotions, behaviors, or sensory sensitivities internally. These children are often overlooked for support because their needs are hidden. Birch Therapy can support families exploring these questions with no diagnosis required to seek care. Our team specializes in helping families make sense of what they’re seeing and feeling, whether or not a formal diagnosis is part of that journey.

Written by Mia Goodson, Clinician Intern