What’s in your backpack?
I’m sure everyone has seen the famous “What’s in your wallet?” commercials. Lately, as we start thinking about going back to school (yikes!), I’ve been thinking about a different question: “What’s in your backpack?”
I don't mean the physical school supplies, the lunchbox, or the notebooks, but what is inside our children's emotional backpack.
The Invisible Backpack
There is a theory in trauma-informed care called the "invisible suitcase"—or in our case, the invisible backpack. Essentially, we are all carrying baggage from our life experiences—even children—that influences how we show up each day and how we respond to our environment.
Based on past experiences, a child might hold beliefs like:
"I'm not good enough."
"Adults don't care."
"Friends can't be trusted."
These perceptions may or may not reflect reality, but to the child, they feel true. For instance, if a child enters a new school year believing that teachers are mean, the teacher isn't starting with a blank slate. They are immediately playing catch-up, trying to help convince the child that not all teachers are like that. This all-or-nothing line of thinking can be hard to break, as these core beliefs become deeply entrenched over time.
How It Shows Up in Behavior
So, what does this look like in families, schools, and other places children gather? It often shows up in behavior.
Heightened Responses: A child who doesn't feel safe at home might be easily jolted by any unpredictable situation—a fire alarm, a loud noise, or a peer being unkind. Because of the weight in their invisible backpack, their reaction might be 30% more intense than a child who isn't carrying that same load.
Social Withdrawal or Acting Out: A perception like "No one likes me" might lead a child to stop trying to engage with others altogether—or to pick on peers just to be seen.
Extreme Control or Resistance: A child whose world feels unpredictable might cling tightly to control. This can look like intense meltdowns over minor routine changes, refusing to transition to new activities, or demanding perfection to feel safe.
Crucially, most kids don't yet have the developmental ability to reflect on what is inside their invisible backpack. This is where adults come in.
The Role of Adults
As adults, we have the ability to open our backpacks, look inside, and reflect on what we want to keep and what healthier beliefs we want to replace old ones with. We can keep the good and throw out the bad.
Children can't do this on their own yet. Parents, teachers, and caregivers have to act as detectives, helping investigate what might be driving a child's behavior.
To do this effectively, we must keep our own emotional baggage in check, because our children's reactions often trigger our own. If we tend to be driven by perfectionism, for example, we might feel triggered if our child struggles with that same drive. The phrase "He comes by it honestly" definitely comes to mind!
Sometimes as parents, we don't feel as confident helping our children navigate issues that we also struggled with as kids—or perhaps still struggle with today. These are the exact moments when we need to recognize our own invisible baggage, acknowledge it, and set it aside so we can be fully and clearly present for them in their time of need.
Parenting isn't about having all the answers—it’s okay to learn and grow together!
Changing the Script
As we investigate what might be causing the thoughts behind a child's choices, the best thing we can offer is kindness. Understanding is ideal, but kids often engage in behaviors we truly can't understand at the moment.
When entering a challenging situation with a child, try flipping the script:
Move away from: "What is wrong with you?"
Shift toward: "What happened to you?" or "What do you need right now?"
Recognize that misbehavior is rarely a child's first choice. More often than not, they are simply overwhelmed by the weight of a backpack filled with things they were never meant to carry alone.
by Ginger Espino, MSW, Operations Director