Talk Less, Listen More
Talk Less, Listen More: Why Your Therapist Isn’t an Advice Column
As the New Year rings in, many of us reflect on new beginnings and the changes we want to implement. For me, every January brings the same personal goal: to talk less and listen more. While I’m not always 100% successful, I believe this intention is vital.
Listening is often considered a therapist’s "superpower." However, there is a common misunderstanding that the core of therapy is receiving advice. In reality, the therapeutic process—and the relationship between therapist and client—is much deeper than that.
The Problem with Advice
Advice-giving usually comes from a good place. When we offer suggestions to a friend or loved one, it’s because we want to help them navigate a challenge. However, the downside is that people aren't always in a place to receive it, no matter how "good" the advice is.
This is because of how our brains process stress. When we are upset with a spouse, a boss, or our children, we are operating from our emotional brain rather than our logical brain.
In this emotional space, we aren't looking for solutions yet. We need to let off steam, breathe, and simply be heard. If you try to give someone advice before they are ready, you may notice them shut down or say, "I’ve already tried that." These are signals that they aren't in a place to absorb information; they just need empathy.
The Noise of Social Media
In today's digital world, we don't even have to look for advice to be inundated by it. Whether it’s TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook, we are constantly exposed to "expert" tips on parenting, mental health diagnoses, and relationships. We are drowning in information we often didn't ask for. How do we sort through all of this "helpful" info?
Check the Source: Is this a reputable organization or a person sharing "lived experience"? Remember, one person with ADHD is not the spokesperson for the entire diagnosis; they are simply sharing how it impacts them. This can be helpful for feeling less alone, but it isn't a universal blueprint.
Beware the "Armchair Diagnosis": This is particularly dangerous. When we see a post about "Signs of a Narcissist" and suddenly view a partner in that new light, it rarely helps solve the underlying issues. It often leads to blame without resolution. Labels can be helpful for accessing services, but they shouldn't replace seeing the actual person in front of you.
Avoid the "Quick Fix": One person’s solution is not yours. Finding your own path through self-reflection takes more time than scrolling through a reel, but you are worth that investment.
The best advice is the kind you actively seek out that is catered to your specific, individual needs.
If Not Advice, Then What?
If therapy isn't about getting a "to-do list" from your provider, what is the point?
The goal of therapy is to create a space of connection and understanding. As your therapist gets to know your unique needs and the obstacles standing in your way, they help you uncover your own solutions. While a therapist may offer insights to help you reach your goals, those insights are rooted in a collaborative relationship, not a lecture.
Does This Change with Kids?
Therapy for children follows the same premise, though the tools look a little different. A therapist’s role isn't to tell a child exactly how to handle a friend's rejection or a conflict with a teacher. Instead, we help them examine their own feelings and behaviors to decide how they want things to be different.
With young children: This is done through play—following their lead to discover what concerns them most.
With adolescents: While we are skilled in strategies for emotional regulation, ADHD, and anxiety, we frame these as options rather than orders. We might say, "Here are some things that have worked for others; what do you think?" rather than, "You need to do X."
Moving Forward
By focusing on listening over "fixing," we allow space for real growth to happen. Whether in a therapist's office, on your social media feed, or at your own dinner table, the best solutions are usually the ones people feel empowered to find for themselves.
by Ginger Espino, MSW